It’s perhaps unusual that I should find my blog voice again on the cold coasts of Holland. Then again the bracing arctic winds are great for sinuses and clearing out anxieties!
I have been struggling for words over the past year. Not vocabulary, for I have lots of words waiting to be used, but for the air to speak them with. This pausing and stumbling manifested itself in a minor way during stressful times of my life but now, when I am out of a toxic stressed environment and feel well, it has come back full force, gripping my larynx in a tight grasp that can only have a physical cause, or so I thought!...
But apparently it is a ‘common’ manifestation in people who have suffered from depression and anxiety. It seems so unfair that as I enter the stage of my recovery where all the work-related ‘nastiness’ seems a dim distant memory (on someone else’s page) that this has appeared.
I have been having speech therapy and for most of it have fought all the way that it is mind related. It is such a physical sensation for me. However as I get to grips with the problem, how best to manage it and how not to let it put me off speaking I feel I am on the right path again.
As with anyone suffering a ‘speech dysfluency’ or in my case a stammer, the person begins to dread certain words and letter sounds.
‘K’ was a bad one and when I was supply teaching in a particular class with a Kayleigh followed by a Kaine it was a daily struggle to tackle each name equally, one child always came off worst!!
You feel like the person you are speaking to thinks you are dissembling as you, stumble over words,blush and your eyes begin to slide away, as you try to calm your larynx- all classic lying 'tells'!!
.....now to present day and August!
How did I cope with this?
I decided I had to keep talking whatever may! I kept teaching until I was made redundant this July and now have a 'party-plan' business selling Jamie Oliver home wares in peoples houses- using my raconteur skills for a living!!I will not give in!
After all a little breathiness went a long way for Marilyn didn't it?
"Boop boop de Boop!!"
Blonde and a bit blonde!!
"I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle. "
Marilyn Monroe
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