Help me...I have been trying to resist for so long....

I have come to terms with the fact that I have a problem.

I have been trying to give up for years. I can go for quite long periods of time reducing and doing without but I always fall off the wagon! And now as I approach my forties I realised that I have to do something and get it sorted for good.

I love food, no really love food. I enjoy just looking through cookbooks for fun. I experience a small high just looking at the photos and reading the list of ingredients!

But it is an addiction, I constantly think about what I want to eat, plan meals, if I am feeling down or I want to cheer the children up then I automatically think of food.

Cake and a cup of tea is my panacea, my anti-biotic.

The problem is I eat too fast; I inhale the food without tasting it so that when I have finished I want to eat it all over again just to taste it properly.

I know what Paul McKenna and all the other self-help gurus have said and 'yes' I do put my fork down between mouthfuls and count my chews! I have even trained the kids to tell me off when I am eating too fast.

Mind you this has been a lifetime addiction. When I was younger my lifestyle balanced the food I ate, I was naturally more active. It has been as I became a young adult and left home that eating became more out of control!

Loaves of homemade garlic bread, in the halls of residence; chips and cheese after the nightclub and cakes in crinkly paper trays, fresh from the bakers.

Add to that the fact that I have always put on weight in times of stress and I am doomed.

I am anxious and I eat. I am depressed and the food tastes like sawdust, I eat more to get a taste, to feel that taste bud high. Anaemic and lacking in energy, I eat hoping that I will get out of bed with a Popeye-spinach-induced' vault of energy.

As for childbearing! What joy being able to eat for two? Feeling that I couldn't refuse my tadpole anything and the urges, the flip in the tummy as I passed a bakery were my 'bean' saying I am hungry go on in!

So here I am, I have acknowledged my addiction. I have shared it with my family.

Small boy " Are you fat Mummy?"

Me " No I am not fat, that is not a nice word, I am overweight, which is not healthy so I am trying to lose weight so that I can be healthy."

Small Boy " Is that the same as fat?"

I have tried to wage a war on my appetite on my own.

I run but my knees and ankles are going to go on strike unless I shift some of the load.

I serve my meals on smaller plates. I cook healthy low fat dishes and Big Boy gets thinner whilst I...lets just say Jack Sprat and his wife!

I run, I run, me and Forrest Gump...but I still grow,it's the hidden mouthfuls, the crusts when I am making the packed lunches, the kids leftovers, the odd treat with the cup of tea, the late night snacks ( does it count after 9pm?

I knew I could not do it alone…and so I walked through the doors of Weight watchers (for the 4^th time) and got on the scales.

I am Jo and I love food…

Our love has changed...

...it's not the same,
and the only way to say it,
is say it, it's better.
Tom Baxter

It's been so long... the thing is..I had to keep a secret and I am the world's worst secret-keeper. I love a good bit of gossip and as gossip goes, this was fab!
After yet another traumatic interrogation ( no exaggeration) by customs on a 'lone-female-with-kids' trip abroad things changed.
Big Boy went for the extremely-small wedding concept floated by myself with no alcohol or bribery involved!
We felt very strongly that it was about us as a family so it was going to be linked to a holiday already booked. Only the children and two friends as witnesses, then pop off on holiday and tell everyone on our return!
Simple eh?
Oh I so pity those contemplating the full-blown affairs!
Our nuptials could not have been simpler, could they?
Well apart from the ridiculous cost of gold! We went for slightly unusual recession recommended titanium!
The florists! I just wanted simple buttonholes, I got talked into a 'corsage' with 'crystals' ( on pins- perhaps I could remove them?) with 4 buttonholes totalling twenty pounds. Then a small posy for Small Girl (lovely idea I thought) was to be forty pounds! When I cancelled that I had a irate florist on the phone saying I had better come down and "See Me!" I managed to head her off from a complete strop by immense flattery and grovelling.

This is a small wedding!
I have to say Big Boy has made me fall in love with him all over again not bad after 11 years!
Every email I sent about the registry office,or the rings or the pub was received with calm commitment! This man was not for turning!
I meanwhile didn't quite believe it was going to happen!!!!!!!!

Everything was ready pub, taxi, outfits, florist, hairdressers and friends.

The weekend before we realised we could not do it without our Mums and Dads, we had wanted to keep it small but, as the ones we love most dearly, we wanted them there.

We just didn't give them enough time to make a big fuss or tell people!

My mum still managed to cram in a mammoth 4 hour shopping trip for the perfect dress, shoes, cardigan, and jewellery!

The day was wonderful. I had nerves. I cried and we all smiled and laughed a lot!