like my voice, delayed in the ephemeral post!

I wrote this at Easter but never got round to posting it...
It’s perhaps unusual that I should find my blog voice again on the cold coasts of Holland. Then again the bracing arctic winds are great for sinuses and clearing out anxieties!
I have been struggling for words over the past year. Not vocabulary, for I have lots of words waiting to be used, but for the air to speak them with. This pausing and stumbling manifested itself in a minor way during stressful times of my life but now, when I am out of a toxic stressed environment and feel well, it has come back full force, gripping my larynx in a tight grasp that can only have a physical cause, or so I thought!...
But apparently it is a ‘common’ manifestation in people who have suffered from depression and anxiety. It seems so unfair that as I enter the stage of my recovery where all the work-related ‘nastiness’ seems a dim distant memory (on someone else’s page) that this has appeared.
I have been having speech therapy and for most of it have fought all the way that it is mind related. It is such a physical sensation for me. However as I get to grips with the problem, how best to manage it and how not to let it put me off speaking I feel I am on the right path again.
As with anyone suffering a ‘speech dysfluency’ or in my case a stammer, the person begins to dread certain words and letter sounds.
‘K’ was a bad one and when I was supply teaching in a particular class with a Kayleigh followed by a Kaine it was a daily struggle to tackle each name equally, one child always came off worst!!
You feel like the person you are speaking to thinks you are dissembling as you, stumble over words,blush and your eyes begin to slide away, as you try to calm your larynx- all classic lying 'tells'!!
.....now to present day and August!
How did I cope with this?
I decided I had to keep talking whatever may! I kept teaching until I was made redundant this July and now have a 'party-plan' business selling Jamie Oliver home wares in peoples houses- using my raconteur skills for a living!!I will not give in!
After all a little breathiness went a long way for Marilyn didn't it?
"Boop boop de Boop!!"
Blonde and a bit blonde!!
"I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle. "
Marilyn Monroe

WoW

I write my 4-year-old son is recovering from the trauma of wandering off a cliff and dying! His avatar that is!

His granddad, my dad, has got him hooked on World of Warcraft (WOW), an online fantasy role-play game. Small Boy is 'Piggy Mon' and Small Girl is 'Lyonessuz'.

Grandad left the room for a second and Small Boy climbed a tree ( as boys do) and dropped off a cliff, cue much crying and devastation until Granddad brought him back to life!

There is a life lesson right there! All without leaving his seat!

This activity is keeping in the family tradition; I was inducted (brainwashed!) into Dungeons and Dragons and Tunnels and Trolls at the tender age of 9! It was a major past time in our house and all the neighbours kids would be round to play and dice roll through various situations.

My brother still has not let me forget that my Elf Legolas threw a spear without looking and stuck him in the back! That's 26 years ago!

It was normal to me to have talk of Trolls and Orcs and this was while Peter Jackson was still doing homework and dreaming!

On going to university in a different country away from my family I knew exactly what to do on fresher's week and I headed to the Fantasy Role Play Soc… only to find it was populated by spotty males in denim, their eyes lighting up at the thought of a female member!

Turning on my heel I tried the Science Fiction society, this at least had female members! However the first meeting descended rapidly into a testosterone fueled argument along the lines of " How many Dicks have you got?"

Philip K Dick that is!

I kid you not!

So sadly my role-playing fantasy and science fiction has been kept firmly behind home doors until now! My dad and younger brother are hooked and meet up online in WOW to interact and 'play together'.

I have resisted because I have the funny feeling I too will be hooked!

As a quick rule of thumb watch this,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU

if it makes you laugh then you are a natural gamer and or may have played in the past!

if you mutter "nerds" or " utter twaddle" then don't worry this world is not for you, you are obviously well balanced holding down a good job and providing for dependents!

Tunnels & Trolls (abbreviated T&T) is a 1975 fantasy role-playing game designed by Ken St. Andre and published by Flying Buffalo. The second modern role-playing game ever published, it was developed to be a simpler alternative to Dungeons and Dragons suitable for solitaire and play-by-mail gameplay.

Hi's and Lows

I had another 'outing' last night! I am quite the social animal these days! No not really! It was a long-standing invite, a friend and inspirational colleague was retiring after 40 years! Although yet again I wanted to stay at home in my comfort zone (pyjamas and TV and bed at 11pm) I owed it to Sara to get 'out there'!

It's strange being at a 'reunion'. To meet people you haven't seen for years, taking yourself back 11 years to when you first worked with them.

You can feel pulled, between who you were then and who you are now. Memories seem so perfect; you remember the Technicolor highlights not the real lows!

Life does move on inexorably but sometimes you can yearn for what has been.

I do, because I know what will happen, now I have the 'Knowledge' and could do it confidently, perhaps even better, if I got a second go!

But, of course, life is not like that, so for me ( always looking on the downside) to confront my memories is also about me measuring myself against my mistakes. What I could have done differently or better, what I did not do, opportunities that were not seized!

For me my biggest guilt is who I have lost contact with. My single-child free past was all about being able to drop everything and go off, to remember birthdays and occasions.

My children have changed me forever. They take pride of place, full precedence, thinking about them and being responsible for them fills my mind and there is no space for remembering birthdays, sending 'nice post to friends' impromptu nights out!

So ultimately the 'Reunion' was lovely, it was great to see everyone, to catch up on where they are now, brief snapshots and possible future 'meet-ups'.

It was just as nice however to sneak off and go home. To give the Big Boy a long cuddle that covered 11 years of shared history. To go upstairs and tuck in two small warm bodies and kiss their cheeks and whisper into their ears, "I love you very much."

Authors Note:

Midweek 'Mums trip out' to the cinema to see 'My Sister Keeper', was an enormous error, we cried, we sobbed and a small soggy tissue mountain was created!

It is frame after frame of, beautifully acted and shot, unexpurgated sorrow.

Like Pandora's box, it seems to have released a flood of emotions that have been lurking these last few days! Hopefully a run this afternoon will blow the cobwebs away (a good alternative to Chocolate Cake (9lb off to date!!!).

If you put 'soggy tissues' in as an image search on Google, this is the first image you get! Nuff Said!

Saturday Night, Sunday Morning

Last night I hit 'Town'!

Well actually I went for a meal to celebrate a girlfriends birthday and met all her mates who are a bit younger than me and (the important bit…) don't have kids!

Pre-Children, going out into Manchester was a given. Big Boy and I would think nothing of propping up our favourite bars, visiting a few of them as the mood took us and then rolling into a nightclub to finish off by drinking more and dancing till we dropped.

Post-Children that is not an automatic choice when we have a precious childfree weekend! I have become an expert at fending off invites to 'Go into town.' Initially it would be because one or other of the children was ill or sickening. Then it might be that I had nothing to wear, or couldn't afford it, couldn't cope with a late night and then getting up with the kids in the cruel morning and finally it was because I didn't feel that I could pass muster, in 'Town'. I was past it!

Post-Children we have got a house near a nice school but a more expensive taxi ride from 'Town'. You see, Manchester is always 'Town' and though we live in Stockport that is always, well Stockport!

Going out is either the coffee bars near us, which with their close proximity to home you don't tend to push the boat out very far, your bed is always calling.

Stockport Town Centre, forget it!

'Town', in my on-lookers, post-baby and past-it opinion is where IT's at. The bright lights, the buzz of people having a good time and the best people-watching material ever!

I started to go regularly into town a few years ago. I book theatre tickets for the Royal Exchange, and go, whatever it is, to feel me again, this is something just for me and the children know when Karen arrives that I am on one of my theatre nights and I will come back.

Just being in town and mixing with 'normal people' makes me realise I am still young (ish) life didn't end with children; in fact it is still there to be grabbed. Last night was further confirmation of that.

I drove; it really was how I persuaded myself to go (having a cheap quick exit parked around the corner). The company was enjoyable. The food was affordable. I felt like I fitted in (well no-one stared) and I didn't go on about the kids (much). I left like Cinderella on the stroke of…10 (Cinderella didn't have kids) and drove home to enjoy a bit of peace& quiet and dial-up TV. But it felt good .

When Big Boy lurched in from his local night out (boys are not as hampered by these hang-ups) I informed him, that in the future, now the children are older, we would be hitting 'Town'!

And enjoying it!

Tagged

Tagged by Katherine of Supply and Demand

This tag stuff is new to me and certainly not as easy as when we were at school- you only had to tag one person to pass on! Here goes!

8 Things I am looking forward to

1. Having a childfree weekend courtesy of my parents.



2. Seeing the children again!



3. Going out to see a friend for her birthday in town (v.rare event!)



4. Coming home to Big Boy, feeling glad I don't have to do all that anymore!



5. Undisturbed Lie-ins (in about 15 years?)



6. Small Boy starting school ( also dreading it!)



7. Losing more weight…



8. …then being able to eat what I like and stay thin.

8 Things I did yesterday

1. Got woken up by Small Boy

2. Checked clock without glasses on.

3. Got the kids up.

4. Went downstairs to make the packed lunches.

5. Checked the microwave clock

6. Saw it was 5am!

7. Went for a coffee after work with friends (see 1 above)

8. Went to see Transformers at the Cinema and loved all the silliness.

8 Things I wish I could Do

1. Achieve World Peace.



2. Lose weight fast



3. Eat biscuits and still lose weight



4. Cook nice puddings and still lose weight! (Ok stuck record!)



5. Not worry about worrying.



6. Never get cross with my children even at 5am.



7. Afford to on holiday abroad every school holiday!



8. Invent the self-cleaning house and give up cleaning forever.

8 Favourite fruits

1. Strawberry Cream tea



2. Cherry Garcia Ice-cream



3. Gooseberry Fool



4. Apple Crumble



5. Banana Split



6. Blueberry Cheesecake



7. Peach Bellini



8. White wine (grapes?)

8 Places I'd like to Travel

1. Rio De Janeiro (Central Station)



2. Wyoming (Brokeback Mountain)



3. New York (When Harry met Sally & The fisher King)



4. Greek Islands (Mama Mia, Mediterraneo)



5. Jordan (Transformers)



6. Mississippi (O Brother Where art Thou?)



7. New Zealand (Whale Rider)



8. Tokyo (Lost In Translation)

8 Places I have lived

1. Moss Side, Manchester



2. Hong Kong



3. Germany



4. Hyde, Manchester



5. Cyprus



6. Lincoln



7. Modena, Italy



8. Stockport, Gtr Manchester

Now I have to send this on....apologies!

http://twokidsandababy.blogspot.com/

http://lifeofwhisky.blogspot.com/

http://thearcheshighheadcastle.blogspot.com/

http://morechocandchipsplease.blogspot.com/

http://joanne-helpinghands.blogspot.com/

http://workingmumonverge.blogspot.com/

http://cerebralmum.com/

http://froginthefield.blogspot.com/ ( Know you have already been tagged so I am cheating here!)

Help me...I have been trying to resist for so long....

I have come to terms with the fact that I have a problem.

I have been trying to give up for years. I can go for quite long periods of time reducing and doing without but I always fall off the wagon! And now as I approach my forties I realised that I have to do something and get it sorted for good.

I love food, no really love food. I enjoy just looking through cookbooks for fun. I experience a small high just looking at the photos and reading the list of ingredients!

But it is an addiction, I constantly think about what I want to eat, plan meals, if I am feeling down or I want to cheer the children up then I automatically think of food.

Cake and a cup of tea is my panacea, my anti-biotic.

The problem is I eat too fast; I inhale the food without tasting it so that when I have finished I want to eat it all over again just to taste it properly.

I know what Paul McKenna and all the other self-help gurus have said and 'yes' I do put my fork down between mouthfuls and count my chews! I have even trained the kids to tell me off when I am eating too fast.

Mind you this has been a lifetime addiction. When I was younger my lifestyle balanced the food I ate, I was naturally more active. It has been as I became a young adult and left home that eating became more out of control!

Loaves of homemade garlic bread, in the halls of residence; chips and cheese after the nightclub and cakes in crinkly paper trays, fresh from the bakers.

Add to that the fact that I have always put on weight in times of stress and I am doomed.

I am anxious and I eat. I am depressed and the food tastes like sawdust, I eat more to get a taste, to feel that taste bud high. Anaemic and lacking in energy, I eat hoping that I will get out of bed with a Popeye-spinach-induced' vault of energy.

As for childbearing! What joy being able to eat for two? Feeling that I couldn't refuse my tadpole anything and the urges, the flip in the tummy as I passed a bakery were my 'bean' saying I am hungry go on in!

So here I am, I have acknowledged my addiction. I have shared it with my family.

Small boy " Are you fat Mummy?"

Me " No I am not fat, that is not a nice word, I am overweight, which is not healthy so I am trying to lose weight so that I can be healthy."

Small Boy " Is that the same as fat?"

I have tried to wage a war on my appetite on my own.

I run but my knees and ankles are going to go on strike unless I shift some of the load.

I serve my meals on smaller plates. I cook healthy low fat dishes and Big Boy gets thinner whilst I...lets just say Jack Sprat and his wife!

I run, I run, me and Forrest Gump...but I still grow,it's the hidden mouthfuls, the crusts when I am making the packed lunches, the kids leftovers, the odd treat with the cup of tea, the late night snacks ( does it count after 9pm?

I knew I could not do it alone…and so I walked through the doors of Weight watchers (for the 4^th time) and got on the scales.

I am Jo and I love food…

Our love has changed...

...it's not the same,
and the only way to say it,
is say it, it's better.
Tom Baxter

It's been so long... the thing is..I had to keep a secret and I am the world's worst secret-keeper. I love a good bit of gossip and as gossip goes, this was fab!
After yet another traumatic interrogation ( no exaggeration) by customs on a 'lone-female-with-kids' trip abroad things changed.
Big Boy went for the extremely-small wedding concept floated by myself with no alcohol or bribery involved!
We felt very strongly that it was about us as a family so it was going to be linked to a holiday already booked. Only the children and two friends as witnesses, then pop off on holiday and tell everyone on our return!
Simple eh?
Oh I so pity those contemplating the full-blown affairs!
Our nuptials could not have been simpler, could they?
Well apart from the ridiculous cost of gold! We went for slightly unusual recession recommended titanium!
The florists! I just wanted simple buttonholes, I got talked into a 'corsage' with 'crystals' ( on pins- perhaps I could remove them?) with 4 buttonholes totalling twenty pounds. Then a small posy for Small Girl (lovely idea I thought) was to be forty pounds! When I cancelled that I had a irate florist on the phone saying I had better come down and "See Me!" I managed to head her off from a complete strop by immense flattery and grovelling.

This is a small wedding!
I have to say Big Boy has made me fall in love with him all over again not bad after 11 years!
Every email I sent about the registry office,or the rings or the pub was received with calm commitment! This man was not for turning!
I meanwhile didn't quite believe it was going to happen!!!!!!!!

Everything was ready pub, taxi, outfits, florist, hairdressers and friends.

The weekend before we realised we could not do it without our Mums and Dads, we had wanted to keep it small but, as the ones we love most dearly, we wanted them there.

We just didn't give them enough time to make a big fuss or tell people!

My mum still managed to cram in a mammoth 4 hour shopping trip for the perfect dress, shoes, cardigan, and jewellery!

The day was wonderful. I had nerves. I cried and we all smiled and laughed a lot!